Let’s get to the news. Former Trump adviser Roger Stone
today pleaded not guilty to charges
in the Russia investigation, which raises the question, what does he wear
when he pleads insanity? [ Laughter ] Ahead of the expected
polar vortex this week, President Trump
tweeted last night, “What the hell is going on
with global warming? Please come back fast.
We need you.” [ Laughter ] Okay. Once again, you’re
confusing weather with climate. How can I explain this to you? Okay, let’s watch a clip
of you being a decent person. -I will say this about Hillary.
She doesn’t quit. She doesn’t give up.
I respect that. -See, that was weather —
a quick, one-time thing. Now, this is climate. -I moved on her like a bitch. Ugh! I don’t know what I said! You know what?
You’ve really had enough. They’re rapists.
Get him outta here! Don’t give him his coat.
Keep his coat. -And that’s what’s
going to get us all killed. [ Cheers and applause ] Former Starbucks CEO
Howard Schultz was heckled at his book event
last night by a protester
who yelled at him, “Don’t help elect Trump, you egotistical
billionaire ass [bleep].” But it was probably
just the coffee talking. [ Laughter ] In celebration
of Black History Month, Disney has announced it will be
holding free screenings of “Black Panther” throughout
the first week of February. And in celebration
of White History Months, “Friends” will be re-airing
on TBS until the end of time. [ Applause ] A man in Argentina has
reportedly spent over $30,000 on plastic surgery in an effort to make him
look like Michael Jackson. Which sounds like
a terrible idea, but here’s what
he looked like before. [ Audience groans ] [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] [ Laughs ]
Let’s clap and make it go away. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] A woman was arrested
in Connecticut last week for driving under the influence
of vanilla extract… which is the craziest euphemism
I’ve ever heard for white privilege. [ Laughter ] A boy in Indiana dialed 911
recently after struggling to complete
his math homework. Police were concerned he was
calling about a train crash since he said one train
was going at 40 miles per hour, and the other was going
at 100 miles per hour. A woman in England recently
found that she had a ring stuck up her nose for 12 years
after she sneezed it out. And despite
making him wait that long, she still said no. [ Laughter ] And finally, a hummus brand
in England called MeToo! will be changing its name
of 14 years after the company suffered
a significant drop in sales, possibly due to the #MeToo
anti-harassment movement. “We feel your pain,” said
the owners of Toys ‘R’ Kelly.